It started with a question, “Are you really married? I never see the invitation.”, which got me to think that whether people actually realized I’ve been posting pictures for 5 years with the same dude. Sure, people might think if I could just be in a really long stable relationship, so I usually answered with, “Yes, we registered our marriage in Hongkong and just went for a holiday there.”
With the fact that I’m Indonesian and he’s Russian, the registration of marriage itself already giving us quite a throbbing headache that we didn’t exactly want to deal with anything else. It was quite a solid argument, adding to the fact that I was at the time only have 1 month to do my bachelor graduation (I was giving a speech!), accepting a scholarship for a master degree in Australia, getting a visa, and you named it… getting married.
It was definitely filled with drama, mostly from my extended family. It couldn’t penetrate my head that those who wouldn’t pay for the reception itself would be so concerned about how would I (and my fam) looked by the public. How much money should I spend? How many guests? Which influencing figure would come? Where? How much dowry will I receive as the first daughter and granddaughter? It became a public consumption and debate rather than a simple celebration. Thankfully, it was resolved because my parents understood my reasoning. If whatever that I do would end up being criticized, I rather not spend a dime.
I found it funny that for those who would get married and would make a big reception, there aren’t many who would ask the ‘why’. However, when one does the opposite, be prepared to explain and defend your decision.
I did receive one comment that lasts me through today,
“Since it’s so easy for you to ditch an established culture, your marriage wouldn’t last. There is no blessing from anyone.”
I should slowly clap, but my hands were tied, so I sneered instead.
The result of the poll was…. expected. By the demographic of my Twitter, a lot are in the younger generation who either ever see someone else’s doing it or going through the same changes in mind as me. Several influencers did show if a small, private wedding reception also has its charm.
I also noticed, even though the poll resulted in 77% of a marriage without a party is a valid option, most who replied gave me reasoning of why a party is a must. It was along the line of ‘for my family, by the request of my family’. A valid reason, considering Indonesian society is very collectivist which means that they tend to place higher importance on the group than on the individual. Family, extended family and the community are very important and will always be placed above individuals or business. (Hofstede, 2010). Though, how far stretch this importance should affect the way you process a big day and how you deal with your happiness should be assessed regularly.
It also weighs heavily on females. It almost seems like how much a female worth would be depending on the scale of the grand wedding. Once in a lifetime, make it last and unforgettable. The goal. The purpose and the only thing that mattered since it means the family raised her well. Successful parents are those who could marry off their daughters with the approval of society and successful daughters are those who could ensnare the prospective marriages from reputable families (preferably equal or higher caste). And the symbol? Yes, we are back at the wedding reception.
A usual big scale of a wedding in Indonesia consists of 300–800 invitation (of course there are those who are beyond the limit). Out of those invitations, usually, the number of people who would really come will be doubled. They will comment about the food, the decoration, the dress, the music, the awkward situation, or even the parking, but how many of them would actually ask whether you are happy or not? How many would ask whether you are ready to start this new life or not? How many of them actually concerned with your days after the wedding?
So, really, what is the point of them knowing whether you are married or not at all? Or whether you spend a fortune to celebrate the moment with them or not?
Don’t get me wrong. Growing up, indeed, due to my surrounding, I also have those dream weddings (hi, Pinterest!). Wondering whether I would do it outdoor (yes, beach), or in a big ballroom. I love dressing up and I love to imagine being the most important person of the day. However, coming up to adulthood I also recognize if a fairytale wedding doesn’t equal a happy ending. Other than on my ‘wedding’ day, I very much can conduct the same things any day that I want.
I agree if there are many reasons behind why the reception is still a stage that needs to be done. The pressure from society is big and their voices are loud (plus sometimes hurtful).
“It’s like your parents couldn’t afford it.” — which btw, why would they pay in the first place is still beyond me. I guess if the family pays, it means the family have also the right to dictate what they want.
“Your family needs to show that they are marrying you off to a good family.” — could you just google my gonna be family’s background, maybe? I mean, it’s not like I’m stuff that changed ownership.
“You need to share your happiness with as many people as possible to receive the blessing.” — Facebook notification is there for a reason, and if I need to entertain before they are giving their blessing upon my big decision, I wonder whether I should keep them in my life or not?
In 2020, I was trying to organize a Holy Matrimony celebration because it was required from the church if I want to register my marriage under the Vatican. Of course, I gave up the idea fairly quick after 2 times lockdown in Melbourne. Indeed, I went to the extreme for not ‘celebrating’ at all. But you know, maybe an ‘intimate’ wedding with people who really mattered is an idea which we could start to entertain.
Adding to the fact that some people really couldn’t afford an expensive wedding, so they aren’t supposed to be shamed by choosing not to do one. Marriage life doesn’t end just after 3 hours of standing on the podium, it’s the years after that count.
By the end of the rant, I just want to establish 1 thing. I do recognize that I have the privilege to run abroad and closed my ears. My parents and siblings are also strong enough to ignore any rumours' or defend my choice. It’s a luxury, indeed. However, perhaps, if we talk about this a little bit more, it wouldn’t be something so special anymore.
If you will spend such amounts of money, make sure it will be for yourself. Make sure that your happiness isn’t depending on how someone else’ rates over your day and surely make sure you do enjoy the whole ritual. After all, it’s your -and your partner- day of union!
